Epic Fam Camp Poem, by Kelly

Twas the night before Yule,
in our Alabama camp,
no insects were biting,
not even a fire ant.
The stockings were duct-taped
on the awning hung low,
above our Halloween pumpkins
painted white like the snow.
The feral children were locked
in their toy-hauler bed,
while "Lonnie" and I sipped
on wine that was red.
Later that evening,
we heard the Giant Voice say,
"Real world message-we've
spotted a sleigh."
We jumped out the trailer and
our eyes did exhault
a red streak and 9 reindeer
skid fast to a halt.
We considered our rifles
(after all, it's deer season),
but then we remembered
Maxwell's no-gun rule reason.
A fat man jumped out
of the sleigh and he sauntered
out towards the Fam Camp,
at our trailer he pointed.
At first we were worried,
our kids had been naughty,
escaping and using the
outdoors to potty.
But the fat man just smiled,
so we knew we were free
from getting left pink flamingoes
other campers would see.
He was dressed in a white tank,
combat boots and bandana.
We realized quickly
this was Hillbilly Santa!
He eyeballed our trailer,
all 41 feet,
and nodded approval.
Our setup was sweet!
He left us our presents,
fishing rods and some bullets,
and a book full of hairstyles
best sported by mullets.
Then he cracked open a 40
and chugged it down hard.
Then he executed a hand stand
on the keg in our yard.
He staggered back to the sleigh,
all red-faced and tipsy.
Hillbilly Santa's next stop was
RV parks in Poughkeepsie.
He readied the reindeer
as the tower announced,
"All clear for take-off"."
Down the flight line they bounced.
He false squawked, then bellowed
for all of us to hear,
"Merry Christmas ya'll,
and thanks for the beer!"

Cultural Redemption

Remember our exciting time at the ballet last month?  That popcorn and beer event confirmed my belief that something special really does exist in the water down here.  Well, I've been proven wrong!  I know, complete shocker, right!?  After my first final was finished last Friday, I was up for a free weekend of fun.  "Lonnie" and I took the kids to the Polar Express train ride and they loved it!  However, I would like to say, for the record, that our choice to eliminate dairy, soy, gluten, and all other nasty processed crap from our diet was well informed (it's been over a year).  Let me explain...so the Polar Express included milk and cookies.  Of course it would!  The cookies were Otis Spunkmyer, which have calories and sugar in amounts I dare not repeat.  That was expected and the food cheat was a joy to the kids, but merely gave "Lonnie" and I intense heartburn.  It was the milk that confirmed my conspiracy of the food industry intentionally keeping people fat.  The first ingredient on the individual milk carton was, as hoped, milk.  The second ingredient was...liquid sugar!!  I'm not kidding and wish I had taken a picture as proof.  REALLY?!  Do we need liquid, fricken sugar in milk?  Oh, and the 4th ingredient was just plain sugar, because apparently liquid sugar alone can't make milk palatable.  I can't even express my horror at this and when people wonder why kids have diabetes, this is definately a piece to that puzzle.

Orion getting his liquid sugar fix

But anyway, on to why I was wrong (because that's way more interesting than my pontificating), so BREAK BREAK, I just looked outside and Kai was peeing in a wide arch on the neighbors lawn.  Sigh, we were doing so good, thankfully everyone has left for the holidays...anywho..."Lonnie" and I had tickets on Saturday to see A Christmas Carol at the local Shakespeare Theater.  We had been told, and confirmed online, that the Alabama Shakespeare Theater is number 6 in the world.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My expectations were, therefore, high and I wasn't disappointed.  The theater was beautiful, the audience quiet and mostly well-dressed (some in jeans, but you see that in NYC too), and the performance was spectacular.  It was a new take on the story, with the main elements intact.  The production was specifically written for Alabama and I have to say that so far it is my favorite version of Dickens' story that I've seen.  Score Alabama-1, Kelly-1.  The next day, "Lonnie" and I took Ayla to see the local ballet company perform the Nutcracker.  I had much lower expectations for this show mostly because the skill in the local company is not world class.  Again, I was overwhelmed by how much I enjoyed the production.  Ayla was awake for most of it, and other than a lady behind us who wouldn't shut the hell up, the audience was again well-dressed and not a kernel of popcorn in sight!  The company really did great and the sets were excellent.  Score Alabama-2, Kelly-1. 

Now that classes are over for the holiday break, all I can think is...why don't I have 100 pages to read tonight and what can I possibly do with all my free time?  The answer is: read 100 pages a night for my dissertation and play catchup with that.  Or maybe do some recreational reading?  Or, at this point, I just want to take a nap!

Nude RV Park? Maybe later...

We’ve been having a good time these last few weeks.  “Lonnie” recently returned from 3 weeks in Colorado while the twins and I survived using a highly regimented schedule of school, play, eat, read, sleep…and I had a similar plan.  We also did heavy zoo time, play dates, and movies, oh, and Roller Derby!  That was an adventure because Orion ended up escaping onto the track!  I also managed to get some Mommy-time at the Marine Corps Ball.  That was an awesome event because the Marines totally know how to throw a party (and an after party).  The best was meeting some of the former Marines and hearing their stories.  The second best part was our new babysitter, Alyson.  It was the first time using her and she wasn’t even in the door and the twins were running out the hug her.  Ayla started waving me about of the trailer “bye Mommy, see you later!”  They’ve never even met her!!  Needless to say, my mind was at ease for the evening.  “Lonnie” returned the next day and totally upended our schedule, but that was OK.  He took me to the Nutcracker ballet as a peace offering.  We had Alyson come back to babysit and the twins were practically pushing us out the door (I wonder if she gave them candy…or just fed them). 

Now, one doesn’t normally think of “ballet” when envisioning Montgomery Alabama.  However, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the flyer for the Moscow ballet.  We had a nice seafood dinner and headed to the theater.   In the lobby was the typical wine bar and theater sales.  We went up one level in the theater and that’s where the popcorn and hotdog sales were.  Whoa, full stop!  Did I just see hotdogs and popcorn?  Um, yeah.  Because nothing says cultural experience like popcorn, and did I just hear someone pop open a beer in the middle of the performance?  Yes, yes I did.  As a matter of fact, when I heard that “k-tiss” sound of released carbonation, “Lonnie” and I looked at each other and remembered that this was Alabama and we should be happy they even offer ballet and ignore etiquette holes (like who fricken texts during an entire performance?!).  We also were debating whether it was the Moscow, Russia ballet or the Moscow, Indiana ballet because it was pretty evident early on that the dancers were a ‘B’ squad.  Now, I’m not such a snob that I didn’t enjoy watching the ballet based on some faults in form (because I certainly can’t touch my foot to my head or walk without tripping, so who am I to judge?), but we did note that last year’s Nutcracker in Denver had better dancers.

We took a little drive for Thanksgiving just for a change in scene.  This is when we found the Nude RV park.  Oh yes, I thought that we had done just about everything one can do in a trailer...I was wrong.  Now, before everyone gets there hopes up, we did not stay in the nude RV park (maybe next time), but that did not stop our children from practicing!  I thought we had cured the whole naked in public thing, however the other day I told Kai to get dressed and his response was to take off all his clothes and walk around playing with himself.  Orion always manages to escape AFTER the diaper is off, and Ayla just flings every dress and shirt over her head.  So maybe they really want to try it, but I'm just not ready to see a bunch of older people naked.  I'm a nurse and I think I've seen enough of that!  Because who knows, maybe some of those old people can touch their feet to their heads, and then I'd just feel bad.

A New Game

 

"Lonnie" and Kai left again and they'll be gone for almost 3 weeks.  I'm bummed because I was really looking forward to taking the kids trick or treating for the first time.  Kai has never been because we've always lived too far away from other hourses or its snowing.  Even though Kai was missing from this adventure I decided to take the twins to the base housing area for some fun.  They had a festival going with bouncy houses and pony rides, so of course we were initally distracted from the objective of candy.

 

Orion really liked the pony rides and was doing the one-handed cowboy thing.  Ayla, on the other hand, did nothing but say "ride the pony" and then proceed to cry the whole time she was on the pony.  Sigh.  At least they liked the bouncy houses.  After an hour I suggested to Ayla, since Orion was more focused on ponies,  that we go trick or treating and she proceeded to tell me "no". 

 

 

I described what we would be doing and gave her the candy bucket which she threw on the ground and then cried. I don't really know who's child she is sometimes. So I figured that we weren't going to get candy and loaded the kids in the car. We drove in the direction of base housing and looked at the decorations and finally I asked Ayla, "See all the pretty houses, they are giving away free candy.  Don't you want to walk and get free candy?"  The response from the back was, "Free candy!"  I then explained that to get said candy we had to walk to the houses carrying our candy bucket and we had to say "trick or treat!".  I hear mumbling in the rear.  "Can you say trick or treat?"  I hear "tricktreat".  I find a place to park and we practice the scenario again before heading to the first house.  Ayla did very good at the first house.  She presented her candy bucket and said "tricktreat" and accepted her candy with a thank you.  Orion proceeded to try and take all the candy he could carry from the candy bowl and then eat it, screaming when he couldn't.  Needless to say, he was carried for most of the adventure, but Ayla is a trick or treating pro!  I'm just hoping that she doesn't expect to play the "Get Free Candy" game tomorrow!

Spray Paint the Babies!

I've discovered a number of things being here in the South.  Most things are funny and some are a bit disturbing (like they celebrate Robert E. Lee's birthday on the same day as Martin Luther King's holiday--no kidding, it's on the school calendar).   The funniest thing though is that I've accidentally discovered the classic Alabama pickup line, which involves the words "That sure is a big truck!"  Yes, everytime I  drive our Ford F-450 duelie-diesel truck it is inevitable that some man will approach me in a parking lot and comment on our truck, usually inquiring if I was the one who picked it out or what size object am I hauling with it.  When I answer, I see the look of longing in these mens' eyes as if to say , "woman, I wish you were mine so I could take your truck to a NASCAR race!"  I know I should feel a bit flattered by the attention, however I'm more or less insulted that my truck is considered prettier than me. 

One great thing about being here at school is that they do a lot of family activites on base.  Most recently we had Fall Fest at school.  Many of the classrooms decorated for Halloween and handed out candy, there was a pumpkin patch and free food.  Everyone was in costume and that was really great!  I had wanted to dress us all up as the Flintstone Family, but lacking time and the $120 it would have cost for costumes, I decided we would wear clothes we had.  Kai and "Lonnie" went in their kilts, I went in my celtic maid outfit, and the twins went in their Japanese fancy dress.  Our story was that we were a Scottish family and when "Lonnie" went sailing to Asia he brought me back little Japanese babies.  The story worked, or people didn't care.  It doesn't matter.  What is cool is that we decided to make it more believable that we would spray the twins' hair black.  I know, what was I thinking standing in Walmart with the can of spray paint in my hand?  I was thinking that if we could pull this off it would be awesome!  Or extremely messy.  Either way, there would be a result.

We got everyone dressed and I got Ayla outside for her spray.  She did OK.  We waited to spray Orion until we got to the festival, thinking that he might rub his head all over the truck.  Well, we got half his head done in the parking lot when he escaped and took off running!  I chased him, Kai was running in the opposite direction, and Ayla was just standing there watching the madness.  We finally nabbed Orion and got him totally sprayed.  I'm proud to say that nothing was stained and many people didn't even recognize the twins!  Oh, and the best part is that our kiddos don't understand the whole 'trick or treat' concept, so we avoid all the candy! 

Drunk Bee...Stealing My Wine!

Besides the fact that "Lonnie" and I got to go on a real date this weekend (like where we actually talked to each other with words that didn't involve "Kai, stop touching people" or "Ayla stop eating that"), we also had the chance to do some good ole Alabama wine tasting!  It was a packed Saturday full of fun for everyone: wine for us, train ride for the kids.  We didn't even know there would be a bouncy house with the train ride, so we essentially became the coolest parents ever...if only for 30 minutes.

Ozun winery is about an hour from Montgomery and is actually a stop on the historic train route (you can do wine train rides).  We, however, had planned to drink first and then catch the Pumpkin Patch train.  We planned for all the kids to be asleep by the time we reached the winery.  Apparently, when children smell that you are about to do something that would be better done without them, they develop insomnia.  In this case, our kids smelled wine.  Thankfully, the winery had outdoor setting and we could let them run free.  That was until they saw the train and the bouncy house near the tracks!  After that it was a fight to convince Kai that we would, in fact, ride the train and jump in the bouncy house, just not while Mommy and Daddy were trying to taste wine.  And we were constantly taking our wine glasses away from Ayla, who seemed to think it was juice (luckily she didn't drink any).  The one bright spot was that the wine was essentially terrible.  We tasted about 15 different selections and I dumped all but 2!  The Norton grape, native to Alabama, must be grown with turpentine because that's pretty much how all the wine smelled.  It reminded me of a nasty moonshine that "Lonnie" brought back with him from Krysygstan, which I think we actually used as turpentine.  So the fact that we really couldn't relax and enjoy the wine was irrelevant because we didn't like it anyway.  However, it did draw in some bees, one of whom decided that the Petit Port was awesome (that was one of the good ones) and took a dive.  After we fished it out, it proceeded to drunk munch on an apple, and that was spectacularly hilarious.

The train ride was pretty cool.  It's an historic train with indoor and open cars.  Kai spent the whole time just repeating "ride the train, want to ride the train" while we were on it!  And then the bouncy house, of course, was the only thing the kids did at the pumpkin patch.  On the train ride back we rode in the open car, which did not involve any "grab him before he jumps" comments, which I deem as a success.  We also found out they do a Polar Express train, so that is now on our list of "cool things to do in Alabama."  It seems that list keeps getting longer, which means we may actually be liking it here.  Except for the mosquitos....

There Are Bug Bites on My Ass!

No really, there are.  I don't even understand how we can be in October with the weather cooling down and I still get mosquitos that bite me through MY CLOTHES!!  It's beyond crazy because that one place that you don't want to be caught itching in public.  But because I sit on my butt (a lot more since being in school), that area itches even more.  Ugh!  And of course my legs still look like I've been shooting heroin in them because of all the scars from bites.  At least I'm not attempting to be a model, which I'd never be able to accomplish here because I somehow missed the memo that I missed get completely dressed up to get the mail.  I'm serious.  I have yet to see a woman  down here (who is native) that leaves her home without full hair, makeup, and a dress or church clothes.  I constantly feel underdone.  Honestly, I don't care enough to not wear PJs to Walmart either.  It's fricken Walmart, I shouldn't have to try so hard.

So I had another week without "Lonnie" here, but at least he took Kai with him back to Colorado.  I can handle the twins; two kids are a piece of cake.  One in each arm--no problem!  We had no visits to the ER, I wasn't locked out of the trailer at all, and we only crashed one adult party (which we really quickly left when the kids started pouring their own wine!).  I even found a new babysitter so that I could attend a wine festival.  I didn't get a single phone call from her the time I was gone which meant that either the kids had overpowered her and hid her body in the lake OR all went well.  The funny thing was when I joked with her about that, she said that there was a point when she was laying on the floor playing with the kids and Ayla pile-drived her and Orion jumped on her head.  She was concerned she might get overpowered.  Thankfully, there were smiles all around and she even agreed to come back!  Hallelujah!!

And we are finally finished with our first set of classes!  I called my fake military Task Force Chuck Norris and I was at least smart enough not to try and use submarines in seas they can't access.  That's a win for me!  Our next classes are all military history (my masters degree) and organizational leadership (my PhD), so I'm hoping that some of the next few months will be easier then these last few.  We are looking to go on a train with the kids next weekend...maybe there will be a good story from that!

And So It Begins...

The metamorphesis started slowly with a "ya'll" here or a "I'm fixin' to (fill in the blank)" there.  And then I noticed the kids talking slower, and I'm talking slower.  The accent has deepened.  And I actually drove right by a Starbucks the other day and didn't think twice about it!!!  Holy crap people, we are adjusting to being in the South!  I think I'm more concered about the kids not knowing the proper pronunciation difference between a 'pin' and a 'pen' (same sound down here) then I am about missing my mocha lattes.  But the other transformation is the one that occurs being in a military education setting.  And since we are living in fam camp, it feels like a deployment, without the bombing.  There are weeks when we never leave base.  I use my bike more than a car.  Very focused on the mission.  Yup, very similar to a deployment.  Except for the family here, and occasional visitors (like Colby and Mom).  And when you are deployed, you often get roped into things you would never do at home, like volunteer to organize parties or join weird social groups.  This is what peer pressure does people, I'm just saying!  Needless to say, I've been running more then normal just in general and doing other community functions that I would typically shun in Colorado (mostly because it was too far to drive anywhere!).  No excuse for that in Alabama, so today I ran my first half-marathon with members of my flight group.  It really wasn't terrible.  No really.  I even missed the first mile marker completely.  And the stabbing pains didn't start until mile 9 or so.  And tonight the heavy meds are allowing me to continue walking, so I think I'm good.  And I actually have the desire to put myself through the gaunlet again!  Damn endorphins.

Having completed my first race in lightening speed (I really thought it would take 3 hours), we were able to leave for our first vacation on time.  We pulled chalks on the trailer and hauled it down to Pensacola Naval Air Station (where the Blue Angels fly from).  The trip down was 100% incident free, sorry to disappoint everyone.  However, the kids have already managed to induce mild heart attacks in all the RV parks residents here, since the average age is 75.  Thankfully, the beach is super close and I think the only thing that allowed us to get our kids out of the water was the lure of food.  Oh, and the wild ferral children have settled into being just kids lately--so either they've calmed down or I'm just used to the madness.  Either way, the beach here is awesome and the water in the Gulf is really warm.  I'm looking forward to a great time.  Even though I have an exam to write, I will not let the school's Operation Deny Weekend have any effect on my fun!

The Honeymoon is Over!

All that endearing stuff that's happened since we arrived--like kids locking us out of the trailer or waking to Reveille every morning (0630 on the dot!)--are no longer moments that bring reflective pause or a smile.  Now they bring a grimance and a pillow over the head.  The honeymoon is officially over.  Reality has slapped us upside the head as if to say, "I told you so."  Now, nothing particularly bad has happened.  We haven't been to the emergency room and all the vehicles are still working.  Actually, the weather is cooling off now and the trees are starting to change color.  Generally speaking, it has been a lovely time in Alabama.  Yet, there is this lingering feeling of "can we make it 8 more months without killing each other."  While our trailer is the Big Daddy of the park, it is still a trailer and the kids are growing.  Hands and feet are within closer reach regardless of distance simply because there isn't that much distance!  So the kicking and hitting has started.  Sigh.  We all knew this day would come.  And while I am of the mindset that as long as no one is bleeding, I won't interfer, the problem is that in our small space the fighting happens on top of me!  I would love to eat just half a meal without someone touching me or showing me a booger.

We did find a babysitter (teenager, CPR trained) for one night so we could go to a benefit at the zoo.  As we were leaving, the babysitter was rolling the kids off to the playground.  Everyone was singing and happy.  I had a cute new dress for the occasion.  Perfect!
Less then 30 minutes later, in the middle of whiskey tasting next to the yak pen, I received a call,

Her: Um, Kai fell at the playground and his head is bleeding really badly...
Me: Ummm...(furiously doing first aid in my head)
Her: ...but I know that head wounds bleed alot and it might not be bad, so what should I do?
Me: Well... (and I'm trying to think of everyone in camp that is possibly home and sober!)
Her: I'll just go to the nearest trailer and ask for help and I'll call you back.
Click

I just stared at the phone then relayed the message to "Lonnie."  In my head I'm thinking that our night is cut short or that we are in for another round of ER tag.  But, the babysitter did say she would call back. Soooo, I think I'll try some of that blueberry whiskey please!  What, you want me to rush away from the only date I've had in 3 months!!  We weren't going to be crazy parents, we would be cool and wait, and try some of the canapes.  We did get a text back, and all was well with Kai and friends, no need to come home or worry.  We did have a wound to clean when we got back and Kai looked like "Massive Headwound Harry" for the night.  But no hospital.  But, I believe the evening was traumatic enough for the poor babysitter that she will block our phone numbers.  Not sure, just a hunch.

 

Oh the upside, we have new stairs (nice wooden ones not attached to the trailer) and a fully decorated patio for Halloween.  However, the Fall mosquitos, who are bigger and meaner than the Summer mosquitos, have hatched and it is again impossible to be outside without a Benadryl IV permanently inserted. Oh, and we all got our midterm exams back.  Apparently, the atrocities commited against the English language almost had our professors applying for disability.  But I'm keeping my spirits up that I will learn something this year, like maybe I don't want to attempt this endeavor on a sailboat!  

 

I Ate Goat Balls!

But first, "Lonnie's" home (his Dad is still not well but on the mend).  As predicted, everything fueled by testosterone magically started working upon his arrival.  I'm not kidding, the car started right up for him.  Acted like it was ready for the Daytona 500...stupid car.  At least the AC waited a whole day before working right, and "Lonnie" had to take the cover off and it was scared straight.  I can't tell whether I'm excited everything is fixed or annoyed that things only break in my presence.  Sigh..

Either way, things are mostly back to normal (whatever that is).  We were invited to a BBQ that was held by the Swahili class.  Swahili is just one of the 10 languages that people can take here.  I heard the words "roasted goat" and I knew we were going....no matter how far the drive!  I was just happy for an opportunity to try food that wasn't fried or from a chain restaurant.  There are a number of African officers in the school with us from Uganda, Zambia, Tanzania, Kenya, etc...along with the Swahili instructors, so I was hopeful the food would be good. 

Oh my gosh was it ever!  First off, the goat was butchered fresh (apparently you can just drive 10 minutes south of the city and buy live goats to butcher...wow).  So the Navy guy who did that piece is now nicknamed "Goat Slayer".  And then one of the African natives roasted it with all the traditional sauces.  There were other foods there and some African wine.  However, the best part of the evening was the ceremonial eating of the goat's balls.  No really...it's like a delicacy and supposed to give a man 'extra manhood' or something like that.  The native guys were all over it, and we Americans were skeptical, but some tried it.  Heck, "Don't Ask Don't Tell' was repealed, so eating balls isn't a big deal anymore! Ha!  Anyway, I wasn't going to try them.  I'm not a weird food eater.  I would totally lose that part of Amazing Race.  "Lonnie" insisted that I've eaten cow balls and turkey balls (I'll deny it forever!), so I took the plunge and I was surprised that they were really good!  Not that I'm going to be actively trying get more goat balls, but I won't run away screaming next time they are offered.

Field trip to the ER

The last weekend without "Lonnie" (I hope) started off well.  Ayla and I went to an outdoor ballet performance at the zoo where she danced around and ate cheese while the boys were at the trailer with neighbors who volunteered (suckers!) to watch them.  Thankfully, the boys behaved and I'm still friends with the neighbors!  On Saturday morning I had planned to run a 10K (free babysitting!) and had the alarm set for 0600 so that I could feed everyone and get to the race on time.  At 0643 I woke up, alarm having decided to take the weekend off.  I rushed around getting kids, clothes, and food and managed to make it to the race, drop Kai off at the free babysitters and reach the starting line with less than 5 minutes to spare!  SuperMom flies again!

I paced along with my friend, Maureen, and pushed the twins.  They helped out by screaming every time we walked.  Nice incentive to keep up the pace.  We didn't finish last (hooray!) and I was home with everyone by noon.  The kids weren't inclined to nap, but I was.  I put in a movie and tried to rest.  This was moderately successful until...

Obviously there was the occasional scream, which is expected with kids in close quarters.  But remember, my children have been working together to undermine my existence in various ways.  It started with the blissful quiet.  Then Kai got up on the bed and laid right in my face and said, "Sleep with Mommy?!" and I noted the sweet, sweet smell of chocolate on his breath.  There is chocolate cake in the fridge, but the kids can't open the trailer fridge, so now I'm thinking--what was he eating?  I doze a bit more, but am curious enough about what madness has befallen that I get up.  What I witness is nothing less than a crime scene!  The fridge is wide open, a stool pushed up against it, random sauce bottles on the couch/floor/table, a fridge door shelf half falling off, and the cake box is open!  I'm only looking for Kai so I can send him away to avoid the array of punishments floating through my weary head when Ayla joyfully comes up to me, presents her hands, and says, "Mommy look! Yucky!"  Her hands and face are dripping and covered with chocolate cake.  Kai was not the lone culprit.  Everyone gets cleaned and sent to their rooms, and then I go to my room, lay on the bed, and laugh my butt off because it was so funny!

On Saturday afternoon I get a call from "Lonnie" that his Dad was in the hospital ICU, so now his intended return home is in question.  I worried all evening but figured 'I've made it this far...'.  Sunday started uneventfully.  Went to the store, did some homework, and I was on the phone with a classmate when I suddenly hear the screaming.  Then I see Kai running to me with blood gushing out of his hand.  One look at the finger and I knew our next destination.  I quickly hang up the phone, grab a towel, keys, ice, and Kai (leaving the twins in the yard) and start running to the car screaming for help.  Another neighbor had their door open and I ran over saying "kids at trailer, leaving for hospital, help" or something similarly incoherent.  Bless them, they ran over as I got Kai in the truck and tried to contain the blood, which is now everywhere.  He is screaming and freaking out, I'm trying to remember phone numbers of other people to call, and drive.  Where is the hospital?  Frick!  Google Maps....thinking....did you want hotels?  ARGH!!!  Found it, good, navigating.  Reinforcements are called to the trailer for the twins and I'm headed downtown, all the while Kai is spraying blood in the backseat.  I'm telling him, as calmly as possible, "You're OK, and we're going to visit the hospital" and he's like "No hospital!!  Go to zoo please!" 

There is no where to park at the ER that doesn't involve a long walk.  Double frick!  I get everything and start running, my shoes have managed to untie themselves and my shorts are falling off (not sure why).  Thankfully, a screaming bloody child invokes urgency in the ER and I'm taken back immediately--I didn't even see the waiting room.  Kai's still screaming, I pull out my phone (take a quick picture because at this point no one is going to believe that all this stuff happens to me) and start Angry Birds, and we get 4 minutes of silence.  When the nurse came in with the drugs I almost hugged her and when the doctor suggested some for me, I almost accepted!  10 minutes later, Kai was sleeping.  At this point I realized I was at an ER without reading material and a whole book was at the trailer needing to be read for Monday.  Ugh.  At least Kai was comfortable.  3 hours later, we are glued and splinted and back at the trailer, none the worse for wear.  Maureen stayed the evening for moral and physical support.  And now we have completed all the required "things gone wrong" (car, house, hospital) during "Lonnie's" absence.  Hopefully, his dad will recover so that he may return to us soon.

Ha Ha Universe...Now Stop It!

I thought the madness would end with poop in the pool.  That's funny in a stupid-pet-trick kinda way.  So is the fact that the wild, ferral children have managed to lock me out of the trailer no less than 3 times in 4 days.  Ha ha, super awesome funny!  But generally we were rolling with these little inconveniences without difficulty and only 1 bloody nose (I still don't know how Kai did it, but I think he hit his face on the floor in some wild dance move.  Now he's addicted to getting ice whenever he bumps himself).

And then the thing that ALWAYS happens when "Lonnie" is gone happened.  The car wouldn't start (last time it was a flat tire while I was huge pregnant with the twins on a back road with no cell service).  I know right, the minute the man leaves, all equipment requiring his testoterone to function decides to crap out.  So all the kids are in the car, ready for the zoo, I turn the key, lights come on, and nothing.  Not even a groan.  5 more minutes of this then suddenly it starts!  Cool, but then I forgot something, turned the car off because I needed the key for the trailer, came back and....nothing.  Lights blinking at me as if confused about what they're supposed to do.  Kids are getting restless as visions of the zoo train appear to be slipping from their future.  My neighbor, Deirdre, has witnessed all of this and her wisdom "At least it stopped working here instead of somewhere else" was dually noted and did keep me from mentally murdering "Lonnie" for leaving me, once again, right before things are going to break.  Deirdre watched the kids while I switched carseats to the gas sucking truck and tried to reach "Lonnie" for the 6th time (what, are you with your girlfriend?  Answer the phone!).

He agreed that it may be the starter, don't try to drive it (um, and where would I drive a vehicle that won't start?), and he'll deal with it next week.  Wonderful, moving on, kids need their train fix or no one will be happy.  The good thing about the truck is that I don't have to disassemble the stoller to get it in the back and the kids are a little further apart which makes slap wars less frequent.  We managed an entire day with everyone staying clothed, no one pooping in public, and no bleeding.

So I entered my mid-term exam today a bit frazzled but OK.  The exam sucked, but all tests do.  I'm still dealing with public school frustrations but had a ray of hope today.  I started my Irish language online course (Slan!), so I figured everything that was gonna go wrong had happened.

Until I discovered the air conditioner stopped working.  No really, it stopped.  In Alabama...and it's still summer.  Apparently AC units need testosterone to function as well.  I don't need more blog fodder!  We have enough craziness than random machine failure is not neccesary.  So Universe, you can stop now.  Thank you.

It Was All Going So Well...

I swear I tried.  I really did.  But in the end, disaster struck.

The day started awesome.  We went to the zoo early and I had a game plan to prevent major meltdowns which would result in me having no fun.  Step 1: ride the train immediately (reward self internally for buying year long train pass), Step 2: reride train since no one is at zoo yet, Step 3: go to the playground for snacktime and bathroom break, Step 4: exhaust kids with walk around zoo and make Kai push twins (he actually kept pushing my hands away saying "no Mommy"), Step 4: take the train for 1 last time before riding the tantrum wave out to the car. 

We all went home, ate, and most of us napped.  Well, Kai and I napped, the twins were reeking havoc on their room.  But it was all good, because then we went to the pool on base, you know...just rounding out a great day with one of their favorite activities.  How do I safely deal with 3 kids at a pool you ask?  Easy, Kai wears the life vest and is self sufficient, while I'm in the pool close by catching the twins as they take turns jumping in.  Piece of cake!  Anytime there's a bathroom issue, everyone goes together.  No problem.  I'm supermom!  F-yeah!  Take that F-ing Martha Stewart!  Oh, how the prideful fall...

So we'd already gone to the bathroom twice.  Once to change the diapers that had become waterlogged and the second because Kai jumped out of the pool yelling, "Go poopy!".  So I figured we were set, let's continue the fun.  Yeah, that was until Ayla stands up on the side of the pool, reaches around, grabs her butt and yells "Poopy" as it's exploding out the back of her diaper!  I quickly jump out of the pool, grab Ayla and whisper "no more poopy, wait for the potty" (cause that's gonna work), grab Orion's hand and walk--no running at the pool--very quickly to the bathroom.  Of course, Ayla couldn't wait and there was a mess to be had in her suit that reminded me of why I'm a psych nurse and not a ward nurse.  I get her to the potty, try and unstick the wet suit from her without distributing poop everywhere, and the whole time Ayla is looking at me and yelling, "Yucky poopy, hooray potty!"  I thought we had it all contained on her body and suit, so clean up was a matter of shower and potty.  Meanwhile, Kai had been left in the pool to fend for himself, which wasn't a big deal, kid had a life jacket on and he swims.

Ayla is clean, and I lead everyone out of the bathroom.  Perfect timing because they had just started the routine "kid time out".  Apparently the pool makes all the kids get out every 2 hours as a forced rest.  However, Kai is not out and the lifeguard is at the edge trying fruitlessly to get him out.  Yeah, right.  I walk quickly over there and get him out, take the vest off and enforce a 'Kai's done for the night' policy.  I'm looking around the pool area and all of a sudden I see 2 life guards with a spray bottle and toilet brush.  It's only then I realize that we aren't in a 'kid time out', we are in an 'Ayla pooped in the pool' time out!!!  Yes, my little girl cleared an Olympic sized swimming pool!  I didn't even think she managed to mess in the water; I was wrong.  I was reminded of the scene in Caddy Shack as I quickly determined that pool time was definately over for everyone.

There comes a time in your life as a parent where, if you allowed yourself to be any more embarassed your head would explode from the pressure of public scrutiny.  So parents either choose to have early heart attacks or they run for the car pretending that their kid didn't just poop in the pool.  I'm glad I've been doing more cardio lately.

The Hurricane That Wasn't

It's been officially 1 month since we started living in a trailer, and already "Lonnie" has moved back to Colorado.  For a week, and then he'll be back.  Had ya there, didn't I?!  But seriously, I'm alone for a week in the trailer with the wild, ferral children.  And already they are conspiring for my demise so they can eat all the bananas and sit on the motorcycle.  That's just the beginning of their list of demands.  I think they are considering negotiating for daily zoo trips too.  Either way, I sleep lightly.

We just finished mid-term exams (our terms are short but intense), so that takes a little pressure off for this long weekend.  I gives me time to un-secure all the stuff we had to tie down in preparation for the hurricane that hit the next state over.  We didn't even get much rain.  I'm happy that it didn't hit here, because my classmates were all waiting for our trailer to go flying by Wizard of Oz style.  They even had bets going on distance!

Luckily, the weather was really nice last weekend for the annual DragonBoat races in downtown Montgomery.  Now this was an event I would love to see back home, but alas, there are no useful bodies of water in Colorado.  Basically, there are 24 person teams who paddle their boats for charity.  There were 70 boats this year and we took first place!  Our only job was to beat the old colonels in the Air War College, and we did.  We also beat the fire deptarment (by a nose), who apparently train all year for this event, and our team met 2 weeks ago.  So sad for them!

Bowling 2.0

We didn't plan the whole dinner thing well.  I had grand aspirations today and they were shot down by attempting to deal with the school system.  I'll refrain from complaining about it here because a: it's boring and b: it makes me want more wine.

Needless to say, dinner didn't get made.  We asked ourselves the question again, "What does one do for a quick and cheap meal on base?"  That would be dollar bowling night!  This time, we actually developed a plan of attack to avoid a repeat catastrophe that was the previous dollar bowling experience.  Step one: leave Nemo in the car.  This prevents him from being thrown into the ball return.  Step two: go right for the bowling and order dinner while kids are distracted with throwing the balls. Step three: order beer first.  One word about this method...Success!  There were no screaming fits, no thrown pizza, no running down the lanes chasing the ball...it actually gave me hope that there will be a future in which we'll want to take our kids out in public more than once a month.  As you can see, the kids are decent bowlers.

 

As for the program I'm attending?  Well, let us just say that 50+ pages of reading nightly (yes, each night) is not my favorite thing to plan around, especially when it is works by military doctrine weinies whose favorite words are "operational" and "capitulate" and "readiness".  These are all great words, but not when you've read them 100 times in the same document.  This makes me believe that our military is uncreative, but no, it's just that the doctrine writers are cubical monkeys with no inspiration outside Dilbert cartoons and fart toys.  Sigh.  Thankfully, every once in awhile we get to read something interesting.  I'll let everyone know when that happens.  For now, just revel in the fact that bowling was a success.  I know I am!

Really? It's that boring?

Reasons for not posting a blog:
a. no time
b. no stories

It's that simple.  In my case, time has been a slight factor but more importantly there just hasn't been much madness lately (I know, you are all checking to make sure this is the 'real Kelly' talking!).  Now, before I came to this school, I was told by many attendees that there was plenty of time for classwork, PT, and family.  The very first week that was correct.  Oh, but then there is the language requirement.  Yeah, they throw that at us middle of the second week and believe me, none of the language choices were pig latin or NYC driving sign language.  I'm taking Arabic.  My other option was Chinese.  I would love to post some whitty phonetic Arabic statement except for the fact that I can't even remember more than 6 letters!  I think.  It might just be phlegm...

We have been enjoying family time, which is awesome!  We went to the pool today and the kids all really love that.  Nope, no naked stories.  Sorry.

The one real piece of news that really only Fam Campers care about, is that 5 of us here were selected as part of a special group for the year called Gathering of Eagles.  The group of 15 is responsible for a big program at the end of the school year that involves famous Air Force people.  There were a ton of applicants from our class of 500 who applied for this special project (mostly because there is no written assignment!).  Anyway, one-third of the GOEs (as we are called) are Fam Campers.  There are also a number of Fam Campers on the upcoming DragonBoat races (local fundraiser), a future bowling team (our kids not included), and our last Thirsty Thursday was even bigger than the first.  So essentially, Fam Campers are taking over.  I'm thinking that we should just give in to our imperialist natures and overrun the university (heck, we've got the Army guys to help us!), but I'll have to bring it up to the team.  And people thought trailer park folks weren't ambitious...

Wabbit Season

There are only a few things in this world that give me a headache: doing 50 burpees in 4 minutes, listening to Kenny G, and reading Joint Military Publications.  The former gets me buff, so I tolerate it.  The latter just gives me a headache.  I just need to remember and stock Motrin in my school locker.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We have lockers.  They are in our classrooms and not strewn along a hallway, so there isn't opportunity to be stuffed in one in front of 200 peers.  There is plenty of chance for one of us to grow a penicillin factory; we'll see how the year evolves.

On an Alabama note, there are many things that I expected to see down here.  Lots of bugs, lots of trees and greenery, some run-down areas...those were in the realm of possibility.  I even expected a pro-hunting environment.  However, I was no where near prepared to walk into the freezer section of the Base Commisary (Grocery store on base where we live) and see this:

That is not photoshopped.  I took the picture with my phone because I didn't think anyone would believe me.  Needless to say, we have incorporated the variety into this week's dinner menu at Camp Mac.  We'll let you know how it goes.  I guess the perspective here is that at least they weren't dead rabbit bodies just hanging from butcher hooks.  That may have been over the top.  But in the freezer section...heck, you can put anything in a stew!



Lord of the Flies (and mosquitoes)

What do you do when you realize there is no food in the refridgerator for dinner, and no time to shop?  You take the kids to the only place open for dinner on base...the bowling alley!  This was not a well thought out plan.  The kids have never been to a bowling alley before.  I was simply thinking "it's dollar night" not "the kids will try to run down the lanes".  Sigh.  I'm soooo glad there were only a few people there.

The minute we arrived, Kai keyed in on the balls and was trying to pick them up.  Then there was the mad dash for the pins (we weren't even past the first lane!).  Of course the twins wanted in on that action!  So it was a 'herding hummingbirds' (harder than herding cats) trying to get all the kids into a booth so that I could get some food.  One of our fellow Fam Campers, Maureen, was there for dinner with her hubby, and watched (from a distance) with humor at our little adventure.  And this was just for the food!  We haven't even gotten to the bowling part yet.  "Lonnie" and I were already exhausted and I spent extra time at the food counter talking with the burger guy just to avoid being near the fray.

The wild child antidote is pizza.  It created silence and relative stillness for a whole 5 minutes.  Blissful minutes.  The possibility of keeping the wild children away from the bowling action was no longer an option.  They were fueled and rested.  Bowling we went.  At first we tried the 'push the ball' option, but that took too much attention from one parent, allowing the other two to run roughshod around the unsuspecting victim, I mean other parent-usually in the direction of down the lanes.  It took 4 frames to instill the 'line rule' into the kids-as in, if you cross the line we will make YOU the ball.  This seemed a bit exciting and was not the best deterent.  Thankfully, the burger guy came to our rescue with the ball ramp.  Now, all the kids were interested in pushing the ball and then waiting for it to return.  Until Nemo was thrown into the ball return.  That slowed things down a bit and created enough diversion for the kids to scatter again (little monkeys are getting smarter!).  Only a return of the ball signaled a return of the children.  To our surprise, bowling a success!  We may never do it again.

Now that we've witnessed the wild ferral children succeeding at teamwork in a conspiracy to have us committed, we are becoming concerned that they are developing a democracy--and we are not on the ballot!  We had our first Thirsty Thursday gathering at the Fam Camp pavilion. It's a tradition with the Fam Camp students that every Thursday is the "meet, drink, and be merry" day. We had a good turnout for this year's first class. There were kids of the 4-legged variety, and it was really a toss up on who's kids were muddier. Ella, the white dog from next door, had already discvoered the mud hole and taken full advantage of the opportunity to increase its size.  By the time the wild, ferral children arrived, a sizable pond had been created.  A vote was taken, we were not consulted.  Mud swimming was going to happen.

Kai distinguished himself as leader of the mud-pit jumping team (competing for Olympic Gold!) and proceeded to remove all of his clothing, pee in the mud, and then jump into it. It was truly a sight that only a parent with a pitcher of beer in front of her would think was funny.   There was really no good action to be taken that would have prevented me from getting muddy, so I took pictures.  Again, very thankful for that outdoor shower!  And again, we had a meeting at school about Kai and his 'free love' ideals.  At least we were able to convince him that underwear was not optional.  I'm very grateful that my fellow Fam Campers are very gracious in their witness of our parenting fails, it gives me hope that we may survive the year without enemies.  I mean, the dogs seem to like them.

The Child Containment Field

Apparently there is a drought in Alabama, but it's rained everyday since we've been here.  So either our magical Colorado drought prevention presence has turned the tables, or these folks really have no idea that rain 3 times a week is not a drought!  Rain once in 3 months...now that's a drought.  So of course the umbrella is always in the car I'm NOT driving.  The kids don't mind the rain at all, it's like an outdoor shower.  Which leads me to the question I've been asking more than anything else since moving here... "Kai, where are your clothes?!"  

In Colorado we had acreage and tons of privacy.  The kids didn't always have bathing suits on in their pool and Kai loves to "water the grass", which was a great potty training technique.  The privacy quotient in an Alabama trailer park is, well, zero.  Luckily we only have neighbors to one side, and he's been gone a lot.  The neighbor behind us met the kids today as they were doing that 'teamwork thing' to try and break into her trailer.  Unfortunately, we have set our children up to accept our mini-nudist mentality and so ripping all their clothes off in any public place is not cause for alarm.  Even in a suburban mini-mall where Kai was naked trying to pee into a fountain in front of 50 people (that was in Colorado, and thanks to my cousin Eric for the "Kelly, Kai's naked" warning! Disaster averted). 

We've already had a discussion with Kai's school (it's been less than a week!) about his trouble keeping his clothes and shoes on.  Which, if I wasn't talking to school people I'd be laughing hysterically, but BECAUSE it is school people (who hold the key to whether or not social services visits us), I have to hold my laughter.  Barely.  But it's getting a little old now that I've had to do 'Kai clothes scavenger hunt' everyday, and force him to assist.  That assistance involves me asking, "Kai, where are your clothes?" and him replying, "They're lost".  Today, he did have a legitimate reason for talking his pants off, he went down the slide and hit a puddle at the bottom.  OK, no problem.  But at least keep the undies on!  Geez!

In order to decrease any 'Kai the Flasher' exposure our neighbors might experience, we endeavored to put up a fence.  Thanks to our new buddy Rich (bringer of the cupcakes), we inherited about 30' of blaze orange temporary fencing.  Add posts, and child containment is possible.  Today, while the children were napping and blissfully unaware of our conspiracy to kill their freedom, we placed the fence.  It looks like a construction cordon or police investigation perimeter.  I don't care, the psychological effect of the barrier (because it's really just plastic) is monumental!  Ayla did discover how to get out the sides pretty quickly, but generally she stayed in afterward.  The boys just accepted their imprisonment by focusing on spinning bike tires, and Kai 'watered the grass'.  At least it was our grass, and not the neighbors.

I'm Going the Kill the Bugler!

No really, as soon as I find the guy waking me up at 0600 every freakin morning...well, let's just say it won't be pretty.   There are a number of very wonderful things about living on base: no gate traffic in the morning, a short commute, and being in a nice and safe community.  However, I had forgotten that living on base comes with a few...peculiarities, that normal people don't ever experience.  The most annoying is Reveille, the morning call to awaken from your precious slumber.  Sweet sleep ripped violently from you by a stupid trumpet!  I'd rather have the alarm clock beep, because at least I can punch the clock to shut it up.  But I can't find that dang bugler.  I honestly can't remember noticing Reveille at other bases.  One thing I learned about Fam Camp, is that it is lovingly situated next to the flight line and the "Giant Voice" speaker.  The "Giant Voice" is like the announcement system in a football stadium, designed to be loud over a distance.  And we are living under it.  Awesome!

No one else in the family seems to notice Reveille and that makes it more annoying, that I suffer alone.  Sigh.  At least I'm not the only one sweating.  I've dealt with heat and humidity before, but this Alabama weather just makes you angry.  Not just irritated about the heat, or grouchy about feeling sticky...no, this weather makes you rage like that movie 28 Days Later!!  It's red eyes and horror movie all the way.  There is NO way to be happy in this kind of heat!  100 degrees with 90% humidity, just insane.  My sun glasses fog up going outside and none of the clothes survive the walk from the dryer to the trailer. Oh, and there is no such thing as "drip dry".  Yeah, I tried that one at the gym yesterday, figured I'd just get in the shower and rinse some of the sweat off.  But I forgot a towel.  No AC in the gym, no towels in the gym.  I attempt a 'flick the water off' manuever, but that causes me to sweat underneath the layer of water still on me, thus causing me to be wetter.  I surrender and just let the fresh clothes stick to me.  So attractive.  I need to invent the Body Kotex.  You know, a big pad you can just roll yourself in that will suck off all the sweat (and maybe a few pounds) leaving you fresh and light.  It's in negotiation with the Sealy mattress people.

It is Day 3, with 362 left in this social experiment we are trying.  That's the name Ali, another new friend here, has called this living situation we are doing.  She also called me a hippie...many times.  Which in Alabama, we are the most granola people around, but in Colorado we didn't even qualify for the finals.  We didn't live in Boulder.  Plus, I'm not ashamed to say that I have used a few powerful insect killers on the trailer and upon arrival here I immediately set up a perimeter of poison to keep critters at bay.  The walls are holding.  Anyway, the kids have mostly adjusted and started school (Ayla came screaming to me upon pickup yesterday, no problem) and seem to enjoy the trailer life.  They have also discovered how to work as a team, which normally I would champion, until....The Great Cupcake Massacre! 

A few visitors, Brandon and Rich, came over for dinner last night (fellow classmates of mine).  "Lonnie' and I fed the kids early and let them run wild while we all sat outside, sweat, drank draft Fat Tire from our keg (yup, in the trailer :) and enjoyed BBQ.  Of course, the 'run wild' piece became a bit too literal and we herded the ferral beasts back into the trailer for movie time...with the door locked.  Rich was kind enough to bring cupcakes. 

Now, I know that all my children can hear and see better than Superman because all I need to do is whisper "ice cream", "cake", or some variation of that, and I will immediately hear in the distance one of my children repeat, "ice cream?", and the herd stampedes.  Well, we had forgotten that we left the container of 9 cupcakes on the stove (kids already had some, so the taste of joy was still on their lips).  The ferral beasts were not alone long, a few minutes maybe.  "Lonnie" went in to check on them and all I hear is, "Honey, come look at this" which is never a good way to get called anywhere.  As a team, my children got the stool and opened the stove front to create a step ladder directly to ambrosia.  Only 6 cupcakes survived and little frosting was left, minus that which was smeared on the stove, oven, hood, refridgerator, their hair, and everything they all touched as part of the effort.  What can you do but laugh, and have your husband clean it up.

The best time I've had thus far, was the bike ride I took tonight with the twins.  Lathered in bug poison and thankful for a reprieve from the heat, we set off.  The greatest thing in the world is flat pavement.  The ride was as easy as could be towing 50 pounds of kid, and the road paralleling the flight line is like a back country road.  The coolest part was getting to watch the C-130s do takeoff's as we rode.  The twins seemed to like that, and that is another thing that most people don't get a chance to experience...racing a C-130 on a bike with your kids.



Holy Crap We Made It!!

I knew these 2 things to be true when we left Colorado: 1. All the trailer tires were new and 2. I was not afraid of the grass.

The best thing about the Tom Sawyer RV park in Memphis is that it is right on the Mississippi River and at times under it (no really, it floods).  Morning was spent watching the river and being hypervigilant about possible bug attacks from any patch of green.  I'm just going to always wear boots...everywhere.  We went to breakfast at the Arcade Diner in the historic part of town and enjoyed sweet potato pancakes while watching the trolley cars go by.  How could we possibly be so blase and act like tourists with a well worn spare tire and a long road to drive?  Well, the second best thing about the Tom Sawyer RV park is that they have an RV tire guy that comes and replaces your tires at your campsite!!  So we relaxed, did laundry, and replaced 2 tires.

I had time to explore cures for my newly diagnosed hastenburaphobia and unfortunately covering myself with honey and laying on a bed of fire ants in a severe form of exposure therapy is not gonna cut it.  I'll just stay away from the grass.

I am happy to report that the lovely drive through Mississippi and Alabama (it is pretty) was uneventful: no weird truck stops, no vehicle issues, and the kids were angels.  They probably discovered that I now have melted silver in syringe blow darts just waiting for their transformations and are keeping the madness in check.  Whatever works.  We only heard "Ready Get Out" from Kai once or twice.

However, our hopes for a good year were raised when we passed through Birmingham, home of Vulcan Liquor.  Now, being a Vulcan store and sporting the 'Mr.Spock 4 finger split gang sign' is cool.  But even better is that the large billboard also infomed us that they have drive through....draft beer!!!  What?!  I can get an open glass full of beer and then drive away with it?!  Oh, wait, no.  Vulcan's don't drive, they teleport!  That makes much more sense because who in their right mind would serve drivers alcohol?  Well, apparently it's Birmingham.  We are totally going back there.

We pulled into our new home late, but neighbors were still awake and social.  The wild, ferral children took advantage of my distraction to emerge and terrorize the neighbors (meaning climbing on her scooter and trying to get into her trailer, the boys must have sensed she was single...dirty little monkeys).  However, the neighbor had a quick defense in the form of a 7 month old dog named Ella.  It worked and the kids didn't mind being tied up at all, and we could all enjoy libations and conversation.  Just kidding, we didn't drink that much.

Now that we are here and I'm sure there will be less excitement (haha), I may not post nightly, so please sign up to follow me or just watch FB.  Although if this trip was any indication, I'm sure that there will be 'naked children running wild through camp' stories or 'the day "Lonnie" melted from humidity' (he's already whining like a little girl about it), or more likely 'when alligators attack'.  Only time will tell.

The Legend of Toad Suck or The Attack of the Fire Ants?

So what's worse than changing a tire in 107 degree heat in the middle of nowhere Kansas?  Changing a tire in 109 degree heat on the side of the highway in Arkansas!  But more on that later.

We made decent time in the morning, our breakdown procedures continue to improve and we were able to park the trailer at a Target and head to the Pea Ridge Battlefield by 1000.
 *** HISTORY LESSON ALERT*** The following paragraphs contains historical facts concerning The War of Northern Aggression (we are in the South now ya'll) and various Arkansas state locales.  Reading this information will not harm you in any way and all content is Rated G (that's only for the historical stuff, not anything else I write).

So I spent all this time telling "Lonnie" about Pea Ridge ahead of time, how it was in 1864 and it was a pivotal western battle and Grant was the hero...blah blah blah.  So we get to the visitors center and it's already 90-something degrees.  We go to the counter and I ask the Ranger, trying to sound all smart, if there will be a big event for the 150th Anniversary of Pea Ridge.  He said "It was this past March, we about 10000 reenacters."  I was really confused and I asked,
Me:"Pea Ridge was in 1862?  I thought it was in '64." 
Ranger: "Nope, '62",
Me: "So, Grant wouldn't have been involved? No, of course not...",
Smug Ranger: "No, the leading general was McCollough."  
I'm thinking I'm some kind of moron and the Ranger must agree, but at this point I'm feeling so weird being so off with Civil War facts (after all, it's my graduate frickin degree) that all I can say is, "I must be thinking of another western battle."  The Ranger looks unsympathetic and not a bit convinced that I know anything about history, so he just nods.  Wow.  Shaking my head, we gather the wild, ferral children and head outside for a battlefield tromp.  It is never too early to start hiking battlefields with your children and by the excitment that mine exhibited, there is hope for their historical futures.  That's because they are amused by finding sticks.  When they are teenagers, I expect history-based vacations may invoke insomnia and whining.  Pea Ridge was a major battle for Missouri's place in the CW, and although a technical Union victory, really it was more of a draw, and the result was Missouri stayed neutral throughout the war.  Because it was hot, the tromp wasn't long, but well received.  Back in the Sally's lovely AC, we returned to our parked trailer.

Trailer hooked (despite some douchbag parking almost right in front of it...in an empty parking lot!), we were on our way.  Making great time, I started thinking that today was going to be great.  I start looking up historical landmarks along our course, and I see that the Battle of Shiloh is along our route.  Suddenly, a wave of memory comes over me and I realize that I was mistaking Pea Ridge for Shiloh!  Of course!!  Everyone knows that Grant was at Shiloh! It was pivotal, but still in 1862, not '64.  But who really can keep track of all those dates anyway.

Of course, I had a similar contented feeling yesterday prior to the tire going flat.  We were on Highway 40, well-behaved truck children are sleeping blissfully, when suddenly an explosion on our passenger side had us both alert and searching for the IED.  I see in my mirror the rubber hanging out from the tire region and "Lonnie" and I agree that we blew a tire.  Frick.  We quickly pull over and I get out to see the shreds that are left and some damage to the rear wheel well.  Double frick.  However, like a professional pit crew, we had that tire changed in no time.  I spent most of the effort trying in vain to find a new tire only to discover that the only thing more annoying about Kansas closing at noon on Saturday is that Arkansas is completely closed on Sunday.  Is there no work ethic in the US anymore?  Sigh.  Walmart's were open, but didn't have our tire.  We made it to the town of Conway and "Lonnie" did pressure and heat checks on all the tires while I took the still-behaved children, now awake, to a Burger King play area.   Because there were no options for new tires, we decided to play "Pray the Tire Holds" again, and press on to Memphis.  I'm happy to say the spare is holding.

As we were leaving Conway and enjoying our Starbucks, we drove past a sign that said Toad Suck Park, and all the Starbucks came out my nose.  Not the best way to enjoy a beverage, but we seriously thought the sign was a joke.  Enter Google, who informed us that the town (it's a town?!) of Toad Suck is named after river men along the Arkansas River who would frequent the taverns and "Suck their bottles back so hard they blew up like toads", ergo the town name.  Double wow.  We were also fortunate to pass a huge traffic jam and witnessed a motorhome towing a pickup hauling a golf cart.  It was the Turduckin of the RV world!!!  So cool.

We get to our awesome Memphis RV place much much later than planned, but we just catch the spectacular sunset and evening views right on the Mississippi River.  Set up is going great and the kids are behaving (meaning they haven't discoved the river yet), when "Lonnie" calls for my help.  He got sprayed with the sewer hose and needed help.  Ick and hahahahaha!  I come over and undo the clean water hose and I'm watching for the kids when "Lonnie" says, "I'm turning the water on".  It's not until he is soaking wet that I realize I had the hose aimed right at him!!  I bend over laughing at His Royal Wetness, when he grabs the hose from me and gives me a good spray as I run away in hysterics.  Hee hee.  I start to witness the transformation of my kids to the wild-ferral children (maybe it's a moon thing) and as I'm grabbing Orion from the neighbors front door, I hear Ayla screaming bloody murder and running/hopping on one foot and grabbing at it.  Oh crap, what happened.  I put one screaming child down, pick up Ayla and run inside to discover that she is crawling with fire ants!!!  She's hysterical and I'm unnerved as I try to dislodge the violent attackers and reign a massacre on them for biting my baby.  Little buggers are impossible to kill!  I finally defeat their offensive and examine Ayla's legs.  There are over 20 bites on her.  Thankfully, a little Benadryl and a bath cures everything, and we were able to enjoy Olympics and Chinese food (no crockpot today).  And watch the river barges floating along to Dire Straits 'Calling Elvis'.

Travel Day 2: The Tire

We all needed sleep.  So we all slept in.  And then that whole time change thing.  We left about an hour and a half later than I planned.  "Lonnie" insists I need to communicate these things to him.  I insisted right back than when we woke up at 0830 and said "we need to leave by 9" was fair warning.  I was wrong.  But really, when you have 3 little kids and 6+ hours of daily driving, you can't frickin leave at 1030 and expect a timely arrival anywhere!  I shouldn't need to have some epic planning conversation about that.  Needless to say, I was annoyed.  But at least we were able to practice our 'trailer breakdown' procedure and generally it went well.  RV mistake Number 1 avoided: we didn't leave the anntenae up.

We hit the road and my well-behaved truck children reappeared.  Movie was watched, quick rest stop taking, and we were making great time when the kids fell asleep.  "Lonnie" and I amused ourselves playing 'Identify the Agriculture' game as we spent our 2nd day in Kansas (which is actually the longest I've ever been in Kansas).  'Identity the Agriculture' goes something like this:

Me: Wow, that whole field of corn is dead
Him: Did you say something?
Me: I wonder what those green plants are...too late for peas...
Him: Strawberries?
Me: No, duh, it's too late for strawberries, must be a root veggie, fall harvest...too small for summer
Me: Man, I really want to know what they are.  Oh, here's another dead cornfield
Him: Well, they let it die to dry out and then harvest it dry for corn meal and such...
Me: Oh yeah, that makes sense...looks, there's a live corn field...

And so on until your brain melts.  However, south eastern Kansas is much prettier than the rest of the state.  But the temperature fluctuated between 104-107 all day, making nothing pretty but the air conditioned cab of Sally (the name of the truck.  I say Mustang Sally, "Lonnie" insists on Long Tall Sally, irrelevant since I'm right).  We were able to get in a quick pit stop while the kids slept when "Lonnie" mentions that one of the trailer tires looks bad, "the cord is showing".  Now, I don't know what that looks like, but in the middle of nowhere Kansas, I'm more concered about just getting out alive so I ask "What does that mean?".  He says, "We'll need a new tire soon, look online for tire shops".  In the middle of nowhere I'm gonna find a tire shop???  OK, I'll give this a shot.  I do some online magic and find a few auto places about 30 minutes away.  I call the first one and a nice guy answers the phone.  I explain that I'm looking for a particular tire and he says, "Well, we're acutally closed today and won't open again until Monday" (then why the heck are you answering the phone?!).  I ask if other places might be open and he says "well, everything closes at noon on Saturday, so probably not. What tire do you need?"  I explain it, he doesn't have it, but I honestly think he would have opened up to help us if he did.  Kansans are nice.  But really, close at noon on Saturday?  Are we in frickin Germany or something?  I feel a bizarre flashback lingering in my mind...

I try a few more places and nothing happens.  So we look in Joplin Missouri, the nearest big town and the Goodyear Tire place had what we needed.  Cool, we're an hour out...no problem.  "Lonnie" and I are reliving a time in Germany (that flashback came full circle!) when we were almost out of gas in the middle of the night and unable to find anyplace that was open.  We actually stopped talking at one point just to conserve gas.  Yeah, I know, but we thought it would help at the time.  So, here again we were, somewhere that unreasonably respects family time and closes unfunctionably early for people with a mission.  Sigh.  We changed from 'Identify the Agriculture' to 'Pray the Tire Holds' when we noticed that it finally went flat.  Well shit.  It's 107 degrees outside and nothing but 1 and 2 lane roads for miles.  Oh, and the jack was under that kids seats...who were still sleeping.  Luckily, as we were pulling down a side road, they woke up.  "Lonnie" grabbed the jack, I grabbed the kids, and our seemless effort in trailer tire changing really is rivaled only by NASCAR!  I popped the kids in the trailer with popcorn and AC, then helped "Lonnie" with the tire.  The ground burned to the touch it was so hot.  A friendly stranger did stop and about had apoplexy that a girl was turning lug nuts, so he helped "Lonnie" while I gladly staying in the AC'd trailer.  Pays to have a uterus sometimes!

After a remarkably short time, we were done.  Then I noticed that the field next to us was that short green plant.  Oh, maybe I can finally win the game!!  I went over to investigate and short of digging up somebody's field, I determined the plants to be potatoes.  Don't know if I'm right, but that's what they are.  Merely potatoes.  My curiosity satisfied, we head to Joplin, only to realize that it was almost 5pm and we are still 30 minutes away.  I call the Goodyear store and those wonderful people agreed to stay late to put on a new tire for us!!!  I sent a raving review to the Goodyear people. 

Despite all that craziness, we arrived at our destination in Arkansas only 1 hour late.  We decided to forgoe an evening battlefield tromp at Pea Ridge for beers and a walk with the wild, ferral children who seem to always appear when released from the captivity of the car seat.  But I will say, the greatest thing about a trailer is that your kitchen is right there, and I actually had dinner cooking in the crockpot all day!!  So once we parked, dinner was served.  So great.  It made that evening walk with the wild, ferral children enjoyable because we caught the sunset and some Olympic majesty.  Day 2, a relative success.

Travel Day 1.5

We planned to leave Friday.  But we had to weigh the truck and trailer (for military purposes), and the only place to do that was in town.  We don't live in town.  So, I had already planned to be in town to meet some members of my unit who were in town doing work at the Air Force Academy.  We decided that we would go to town, weigh the camper, meet for dinner, and then get an hour or two on the road. 

Well, we kind of did that.  The nice thing about having a deadline in the evening, is that you are less likely to linger to collect odds-n-ends.  Which means that I left my retainers and the dish soap at home. Sigh, the retainers will have to be sent.  I was late to dinner, and "Lonnie" followed later with the family and camper so that he could do the finishing packing touches.  When he finally got to the restaurant, the twins were asleep and Kai was covered in layers of filth normally saved for characteres in Mark Twain novels.  I had warned my buddies that the kids would be dirty from playing outside, but when Kai came in, Higgins said "wow, you weren't kidding.  He looks like a Dickens novel!"  We collected our food to go and hit the road about an hour later than "Lonnie" hoped.  Long roadtrips always leave late, so I didn't stress about that too much.  We planned to stay the first night in a Flying J travel plaza, not a TA one because that just brought back strange memories from back home.  I always thought the TA truck stop was an "evil place" for no apparent reason, and would avoid it.  It didn't help that we were all told stories of men picking up Lot Lizards (hookers) and preying on young girls.  Nuff said, I'll go to Flying J.  In retrospec, I wonder if this was a brillant marketing scheme by Flying J...or the TA was really just that creepy.

Anyway, we wanted to test the truck's navigation system and put in the Flying J.  Partway to Nebraska, we knew we missed it and you cann't just whip a 40' trailer in a quick U-ie on a dark 2 lane country road.  So I had to get out and help "Lonnie" back the trailer onto the road from a cross street, no street lights, in the middle of cannible country.  Did I mention I was still in my dress and heels from dinner?  We are already really late and very tired.  Stupid Ford navigation!  And I already had bonded with the truck and knew she was a girl, but for cripes sakes, did she really have to fall into the "girls can't tell directions" stereotype.  Ugh.  We finally made it, partially set up in the parking lot, and tried to sleep.  Except at this point, all the kids had been asleep for about 5 hours and were TOTALLY EXCITED AND READY TO START A NEW DAY, not taking into account that it's 1 am.  Everyone did finally fall asleep in a pile and Night 1 was achieved!

Day 1 started fine: pancakes, wet wipe baths (the shower is full of packed laundry and swim gear), and on the road!  The kids were great, really great the whole day.  My only adventure was at a truck stop.  I went in to have some private alone time and as I'm sitting there, contemplating my future, some lady comes in and as she leaves she turns the lights out!!  In a public restroom!  So I'm sitting there, in the dark.  I can't see anything and I don't have my phone to call for help or to use as a light.  I verbally yelled "Hey, I'm in here!  Turn on the lights!"  To no avail.   My future is no longer a concern.  I'm not sure how long I actually sat in the dark trying to figure out the best way to deal with things, when finally someone came in and turned the lights on.  I quickly finished things and went out, to prevent another incident, and was washing my hands when my savior exited her stall.  Always one to strike up a bathroom conversation I said "I glad you came in!  I was totally just sitting in the dark because someone turned the lights out", she said, "Yeah, I was wondering why it was dark, and then when I turned the lights on I saw feet in the stall and realized that someone had been sitting in the dark", I said "yeah, and I wasn't quite sure what to do about it either, but now I know how people die at truck stops, they are left in dark bathrooms to rot!"  We left the bathroom better and wiser people.

We arrived at our first RV park ever!!  When I told the RV park guy that he was skeptical and became suspicious.  I'm not sure if it was my excitement about it or concern that we were going to blow the place up.  Hmm.  It's a small and quite place in Kansas, with a little lake.  The wild, ferrel children replaced my well-behaved truck children and immediately headed for the lake, tormenting other campers on the way (meaning they petted a dog).  The lake was fun and I was taking some pictures thinking, "wow, RVing is great", until...Orion slipped in the mud and got covered, and then Kai started chasing the geese, all the kids ended up in the muddy water, and Ayla whacked me with a muddy stick and lake-fun-time was over!  Good friends of our family recommended 2 things to have in an RV, an awning (which was useful at our lunch stop) and an outdoor shower.  Boy was I happy for that outdoor shower!!  Night 2 ended after the Olympic Ceremony (hooray for trailer TVs) and with only mild threats to their future existences, the wild, ferrel children calmed down and slept.  In a pile...like wolf pups.

Packing a broken toe

The big joke once we bought our ginormous trailer was "How the heck are you going to get it to your house?"  This was from my Dad, who also almost disowned me because the new used truck we bought to haul our monstrosity is a Ford.  At that point I turned the phone over to "Lonnie" to defend his truck blasphemy.  I didn't care, I just wanted to ensure that we didn't ruin the camper before we even started out.  See, our property is mountainous and the driveway is dirt, with trees and an uneven path.  "Lonnie" insisted that he could cut a few branches and then "swing it around" once we got it near the house.  Sorry, but the driveway is also fenced in areas and the only swinging that was going to happen in our driveway involved the local cow herd that uses our land for open range.  The cows would swing, not us with the cows....you people are sick!  Anyway, I could tell that the trailer would not fit in driveway and it wasn't until we took out a 40' string and walked the route, that "Lonnie" agreed that the camper will have to stay in the yard.

No problem with that really, and I was able to start loading right away.  Except, with a trailer that big it was hard not to try and pack everything!  Which I did anyway.  The only kitchen items I left were the porcelin plates (not good for camping!) and my entertaining paraphenalia, because I don't really expect to be having large dinner parties, but who knows...we did bring the turkey fryer...and it is Alabama...  All my shoes fit.

Well, one week into the packing and one week before we were set to leave, I get a frantic call from my loving husband which sounded like "Skoijnsdf nadoh ER!"  All I understood was ER and I called him back to discover that special boy had been at the gym and dropped a weight on his toe.  To this, my friend Rochelle said "see, working out is bad for you, I'm going to eat more cookies!"  Not a good example, but a valid point considering the broken toe was from a weight on "Lonnie's" back!  I won't even go into it, but I met him at the ER expecting (and hoping) they would drug him well and I could drive him home.  Once we made it into the exam room we knew the toe was broken.  The doc came in and started asking the typical "how did this happen" questions and also was examining the rest of him asking "any chest injuries, did you hit your head?"  To which I entered the conversation and stated "No, but there will be when he gets home!"  Without missing a beat, the doc asked "Lonnie", "Do you feel safe at home?"  Of course, we smiled and explained the joke but I'm glad the doc checked, because I was not really kidding...I wanted to inflict pain because I was expecting a whole week of solo packing so that Mister Clumsy could ice and elevate.  Thankfully, he didn't have to and packing resumed.  Everything I planned to bring fit and the things left behind should have included the wild, ferrel children, but alas they were packed too.  Kai tried to pack himself in a box and we didn't find him until he was quiet for too long and we went looking (expecting disaster) only to find him stuck in a box :)  I do have a picture of that, because nice parents free their children from their mistakes.  Awesome parents take pictures!