The Hurricane That Wasn't

It's been officially 1 month since we started living in a trailer, and already "Lonnie" has moved back to Colorado.  For a week, and then he'll be back.  Had ya there, didn't I?!  But seriously, I'm alone for a week in the trailer with the wild, ferral children.  And already they are conspiring for my demise so they can eat all the bananas and sit on the motorcycle.  That's just the beginning of their list of demands.  I think they are considering negotiating for daily zoo trips too.  Either way, I sleep lightly.

We just finished mid-term exams (our terms are short but intense), so that takes a little pressure off for this long weekend.  I gives me time to un-secure all the stuff we had to tie down in preparation for the hurricane that hit the next state over.  We didn't even get much rain.  I'm happy that it didn't hit here, because my classmates were all waiting for our trailer to go flying by Wizard of Oz style.  They even had bets going on distance!

Luckily, the weather was really nice last weekend for the annual DragonBoat races in downtown Montgomery.  Now this was an event I would love to see back home, but alas, there are no useful bodies of water in Colorado.  Basically, there are 24 person teams who paddle their boats for charity.  There were 70 boats this year and we took first place!  Our only job was to beat the old colonels in the Air War College, and we did.  We also beat the fire deptarment (by a nose), who apparently train all year for this event, and our team met 2 weeks ago.  So sad for them!

Bowling 2.0

We didn't plan the whole dinner thing well.  I had grand aspirations today and they were shot down by attempting to deal with the school system.  I'll refrain from complaining about it here because a: it's boring and b: it makes me want more wine.

Needless to say, dinner didn't get made.  We asked ourselves the question again, "What does one do for a quick and cheap meal on base?"  That would be dollar bowling night!  This time, we actually developed a plan of attack to avoid a repeat catastrophe that was the previous dollar bowling experience.  Step one: leave Nemo in the car.  This prevents him from being thrown into the ball return.  Step two: go right for the bowling and order dinner while kids are distracted with throwing the balls. Step three: order beer first.  One word about this method...Success!  There were no screaming fits, no thrown pizza, no running down the lanes chasing the ball...it actually gave me hope that there will be a future in which we'll want to take our kids out in public more than once a month.  As you can see, the kids are decent bowlers.

 

As for the program I'm attending?  Well, let us just say that 50+ pages of reading nightly (yes, each night) is not my favorite thing to plan around, especially when it is works by military doctrine weinies whose favorite words are "operational" and "capitulate" and "readiness".  These are all great words, but not when you've read them 100 times in the same document.  This makes me believe that our military is uncreative, but no, it's just that the doctrine writers are cubical monkeys with no inspiration outside Dilbert cartoons and fart toys.  Sigh.  Thankfully, every once in awhile we get to read something interesting.  I'll let everyone know when that happens.  For now, just revel in the fact that bowling was a success.  I know I am!

Really? It's that boring?

Reasons for not posting a blog:
a. no time
b. no stories

It's that simple.  In my case, time has been a slight factor but more importantly there just hasn't been much madness lately (I know, you are all checking to make sure this is the 'real Kelly' talking!).  Now, before I came to this school, I was told by many attendees that there was plenty of time for classwork, PT, and family.  The very first week that was correct.  Oh, but then there is the language requirement.  Yeah, they throw that at us middle of the second week and believe me, none of the language choices were pig latin or NYC driving sign language.  I'm taking Arabic.  My other option was Chinese.  I would love to post some whitty phonetic Arabic statement except for the fact that I can't even remember more than 6 letters!  I think.  It might just be phlegm...

We have been enjoying family time, which is awesome!  We went to the pool today and the kids all really love that.  Nope, no naked stories.  Sorry.

The one real piece of news that really only Fam Campers care about, is that 5 of us here were selected as part of a special group for the year called Gathering of Eagles.  The group of 15 is responsible for a big program at the end of the school year that involves famous Air Force people.  There were a ton of applicants from our class of 500 who applied for this special project (mostly because there is no written assignment!).  Anyway, one-third of the GOEs (as we are called) are Fam Campers.  There are also a number of Fam Campers on the upcoming DragonBoat races (local fundraiser), a future bowling team (our kids not included), and our last Thirsty Thursday was even bigger than the first.  So essentially, Fam Campers are taking over.  I'm thinking that we should just give in to our imperialist natures and overrun the university (heck, we've got the Army guys to help us!), but I'll have to bring it up to the team.  And people thought trailer park folks weren't ambitious...

Wabbit Season

There are only a few things in this world that give me a headache: doing 50 burpees in 4 minutes, listening to Kenny G, and reading Joint Military Publications.  The former gets me buff, so I tolerate it.  The latter just gives me a headache.  I just need to remember and stock Motrin in my school locker.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We have lockers.  They are in our classrooms and not strewn along a hallway, so there isn't opportunity to be stuffed in one in front of 200 peers.  There is plenty of chance for one of us to grow a penicillin factory; we'll see how the year evolves.

On an Alabama note, there are many things that I expected to see down here.  Lots of bugs, lots of trees and greenery, some run-down areas...those were in the realm of possibility.  I even expected a pro-hunting environment.  However, I was no where near prepared to walk into the freezer section of the Base Commisary (Grocery store on base where we live) and see this:

That is not photoshopped.  I took the picture with my phone because I didn't think anyone would believe me.  Needless to say, we have incorporated the variety into this week's dinner menu at Camp Mac.  We'll let you know how it goes.  I guess the perspective here is that at least they weren't dead rabbit bodies just hanging from butcher hooks.  That may have been over the top.  But in the freezer section...heck, you can put anything in a stew!



Lord of the Flies (and mosquitoes)

What do you do when you realize there is no food in the refridgerator for dinner, and no time to shop?  You take the kids to the only place open for dinner on base...the bowling alley!  This was not a well thought out plan.  The kids have never been to a bowling alley before.  I was simply thinking "it's dollar night" not "the kids will try to run down the lanes".  Sigh.  I'm soooo glad there were only a few people there.

The minute we arrived, Kai keyed in on the balls and was trying to pick them up.  Then there was the mad dash for the pins (we weren't even past the first lane!).  Of course the twins wanted in on that action!  So it was a 'herding hummingbirds' (harder than herding cats) trying to get all the kids into a booth so that I could get some food.  One of our fellow Fam Campers, Maureen, was there for dinner with her hubby, and watched (from a distance) with humor at our little adventure.  And this was just for the food!  We haven't even gotten to the bowling part yet.  "Lonnie" and I were already exhausted and I spent extra time at the food counter talking with the burger guy just to avoid being near the fray.

The wild child antidote is pizza.  It created silence and relative stillness for a whole 5 minutes.  Blissful minutes.  The possibility of keeping the wild children away from the bowling action was no longer an option.  They were fueled and rested.  Bowling we went.  At first we tried the 'push the ball' option, but that took too much attention from one parent, allowing the other two to run roughshod around the unsuspecting victim, I mean other parent-usually in the direction of down the lanes.  It took 4 frames to instill the 'line rule' into the kids-as in, if you cross the line we will make YOU the ball.  This seemed a bit exciting and was not the best deterent.  Thankfully, the burger guy came to our rescue with the ball ramp.  Now, all the kids were interested in pushing the ball and then waiting for it to return.  Until Nemo was thrown into the ball return.  That slowed things down a bit and created enough diversion for the kids to scatter again (little monkeys are getting smarter!).  Only a return of the ball signaled a return of the children.  To our surprise, bowling a success!  We may never do it again.

Now that we've witnessed the wild ferral children succeeding at teamwork in a conspiracy to have us committed, we are becoming concerned that they are developing a democracy--and we are not on the ballot!  We had our first Thirsty Thursday gathering at the Fam Camp pavilion. It's a tradition with the Fam Camp students that every Thursday is the "meet, drink, and be merry" day. We had a good turnout for this year's first class. There were kids of the 4-legged variety, and it was really a toss up on who's kids were muddier. Ella, the white dog from next door, had already discvoered the mud hole and taken full advantage of the opportunity to increase its size.  By the time the wild, ferral children arrived, a sizable pond had been created.  A vote was taken, we were not consulted.  Mud swimming was going to happen.

Kai distinguished himself as leader of the mud-pit jumping team (competing for Olympic Gold!) and proceeded to remove all of his clothing, pee in the mud, and then jump into it. It was truly a sight that only a parent with a pitcher of beer in front of her would think was funny.   There was really no good action to be taken that would have prevented me from getting muddy, so I took pictures.  Again, very thankful for that outdoor shower!  And again, we had a meeting at school about Kai and his 'free love' ideals.  At least we were able to convince him that underwear was not optional.  I'm very grateful that my fellow Fam Campers are very gracious in their witness of our parenting fails, it gives me hope that we may survive the year without enemies.  I mean, the dogs seem to like them.

The Child Containment Field

Apparently there is a drought in Alabama, but it's rained everyday since we've been here.  So either our magical Colorado drought prevention presence has turned the tables, or these folks really have no idea that rain 3 times a week is not a drought!  Rain once in 3 months...now that's a drought.  So of course the umbrella is always in the car I'm NOT driving.  The kids don't mind the rain at all, it's like an outdoor shower.  Which leads me to the question I've been asking more than anything else since moving here... "Kai, where are your clothes?!"  

In Colorado we had acreage and tons of privacy.  The kids didn't always have bathing suits on in their pool and Kai loves to "water the grass", which was a great potty training technique.  The privacy quotient in an Alabama trailer park is, well, zero.  Luckily we only have neighbors to one side, and he's been gone a lot.  The neighbor behind us met the kids today as they were doing that 'teamwork thing' to try and break into her trailer.  Unfortunately, we have set our children up to accept our mini-nudist mentality and so ripping all their clothes off in any public place is not cause for alarm.  Even in a suburban mini-mall where Kai was naked trying to pee into a fountain in front of 50 people (that was in Colorado, and thanks to my cousin Eric for the "Kelly, Kai's naked" warning! Disaster averted). 

We've already had a discussion with Kai's school (it's been less than a week!) about his trouble keeping his clothes and shoes on.  Which, if I wasn't talking to school people I'd be laughing hysterically, but BECAUSE it is school people (who hold the key to whether or not social services visits us), I have to hold my laughter.  Barely.  But it's getting a little old now that I've had to do 'Kai clothes scavenger hunt' everyday, and force him to assist.  That assistance involves me asking, "Kai, where are your clothes?" and him replying, "They're lost".  Today, he did have a legitimate reason for talking his pants off, he went down the slide and hit a puddle at the bottom.  OK, no problem.  But at least keep the undies on!  Geez!

In order to decrease any 'Kai the Flasher' exposure our neighbors might experience, we endeavored to put up a fence.  Thanks to our new buddy Rich (bringer of the cupcakes), we inherited about 30' of blaze orange temporary fencing.  Add posts, and child containment is possible.  Today, while the children were napping and blissfully unaware of our conspiracy to kill their freedom, we placed the fence.  It looks like a construction cordon or police investigation perimeter.  I don't care, the psychological effect of the barrier (because it's really just plastic) is monumental!  Ayla did discover how to get out the sides pretty quickly, but generally she stayed in afterward.  The boys just accepted their imprisonment by focusing on spinning bike tires, and Kai 'watered the grass'.  At least it was our grass, and not the neighbors.

I'm Going the Kill the Bugler!

No really, as soon as I find the guy waking me up at 0600 every freakin morning...well, let's just say it won't be pretty.   There are a number of very wonderful things about living on base: no gate traffic in the morning, a short commute, and being in a nice and safe community.  However, I had forgotten that living on base comes with a few...peculiarities, that normal people don't ever experience.  The most annoying is Reveille, the morning call to awaken from your precious slumber.  Sweet sleep ripped violently from you by a stupid trumpet!  I'd rather have the alarm clock beep, because at least I can punch the clock to shut it up.  But I can't find that dang bugler.  I honestly can't remember noticing Reveille at other bases.  One thing I learned about Fam Camp, is that it is lovingly situated next to the flight line and the "Giant Voice" speaker.  The "Giant Voice" is like the announcement system in a football stadium, designed to be loud over a distance.  And we are living under it.  Awesome!

No one else in the family seems to notice Reveille and that makes it more annoying, that I suffer alone.  Sigh.  At least I'm not the only one sweating.  I've dealt with heat and humidity before, but this Alabama weather just makes you angry.  Not just irritated about the heat, or grouchy about feeling sticky...no, this weather makes you rage like that movie 28 Days Later!!  It's red eyes and horror movie all the way.  There is NO way to be happy in this kind of heat!  100 degrees with 90% humidity, just insane.  My sun glasses fog up going outside and none of the clothes survive the walk from the dryer to the trailer. Oh, and there is no such thing as "drip dry".  Yeah, I tried that one at the gym yesterday, figured I'd just get in the shower and rinse some of the sweat off.  But I forgot a towel.  No AC in the gym, no towels in the gym.  I attempt a 'flick the water off' manuever, but that causes me to sweat underneath the layer of water still on me, thus causing me to be wetter.  I surrender and just let the fresh clothes stick to me.  So attractive.  I need to invent the Body Kotex.  You know, a big pad you can just roll yourself in that will suck off all the sweat (and maybe a few pounds) leaving you fresh and light.  It's in negotiation with the Sealy mattress people.

It is Day 3, with 362 left in this social experiment we are trying.  That's the name Ali, another new friend here, has called this living situation we are doing.  She also called me a hippie...many times.  Which in Alabama, we are the most granola people around, but in Colorado we didn't even qualify for the finals.  We didn't live in Boulder.  Plus, I'm not ashamed to say that I have used a few powerful insect killers on the trailer and upon arrival here I immediately set up a perimeter of poison to keep critters at bay.  The walls are holding.  Anyway, the kids have mostly adjusted and started school (Ayla came screaming to me upon pickup yesterday, no problem) and seem to enjoy the trailer life.  They have also discovered how to work as a team, which normally I would champion, until....The Great Cupcake Massacre! 

A few visitors, Brandon and Rich, came over for dinner last night (fellow classmates of mine).  "Lonnie' and I fed the kids early and let them run wild while we all sat outside, sweat, drank draft Fat Tire from our keg (yup, in the trailer :) and enjoyed BBQ.  Of course, the 'run wild' piece became a bit too literal and we herded the ferral beasts back into the trailer for movie time...with the door locked.  Rich was kind enough to bring cupcakes. 

Now, I know that all my children can hear and see better than Superman because all I need to do is whisper "ice cream", "cake", or some variation of that, and I will immediately hear in the distance one of my children repeat, "ice cream?", and the herd stampedes.  Well, we had forgotten that we left the container of 9 cupcakes on the stove (kids already had some, so the taste of joy was still on their lips).  The ferral beasts were not alone long, a few minutes maybe.  "Lonnie" went in to check on them and all I hear is, "Honey, come look at this" which is never a good way to get called anywhere.  As a team, my children got the stool and opened the stove front to create a step ladder directly to ambrosia.  Only 6 cupcakes survived and little frosting was left, minus that which was smeared on the stove, oven, hood, refridgerator, their hair, and everything they all touched as part of the effort.  What can you do but laugh, and have your husband clean it up.

The best time I've had thus far, was the bike ride I took tonight with the twins.  Lathered in bug poison and thankful for a reprieve from the heat, we set off.  The greatest thing in the world is flat pavement.  The ride was as easy as could be towing 50 pounds of kid, and the road paralleling the flight line is like a back country road.  The coolest part was getting to watch the C-130s do takeoff's as we rode.  The twins seemed to like that, and that is another thing that most people don't get a chance to experience...racing a C-130 on a bike with your kids.