For most people the best part of military duty away from home is returning to home. The loving family so glad to have their service member back...it's heartwarming (que the tear jerking YouTube virals). But that's not what happens at our house. If you have lovingly feral children like I do, homecoming is the least favorite part of any military duty away. And it's not merely because the house is usually a disaster or the kids may not have had a shower in a long time, it's simply because, like most feral creatures, my children had worms.
To make this homecoming even worse was that "Lonnie" (my beloved...but not after this) left for a last-minute deployment 2 days after I got home.
About a week after I had returned and "Lonnie" have left, I noticed one of our sons going to town in his pants. No, this is not an unusual experience. When you have sons, particularly autistic sons, everything down below the belt is super interesting all the time. However this particular incidence of butt picking was accompanied by screams of discomfort. I checked him out (I did pediatric nursing for years) nothing seemed wrong, we washed his hands and I sent him on his merry way. Two days later he wakes up in the middle of the night with the same issue. The next day he is at therapy and I get a similar report. At this point, my old pediatric nursing spidey sense tingles...it's probably pinworms. Thanks to the delightful Veterans Day holiday, I can't get in to see a provider. I also am not going to go an entire weekend with the possibility of pinworms in my house. I call the on-call nurse tell her I'm going to treat everybody and we leave it at that.
If you've never had the distinct pleasure of treating pinworms, get ready for the sterilization of every single thing that your disgusting child touches, breathes in or on, or essentially looks at. First, you have to take a dose of the over-the-counter medication, easily found at Walmart. This was not a problem with the exception of the fact that Orion (the infected) decided, while we are in the grocery line, to scream at the top of his lungs, "Mommy, is this the medicine that will kill the worms in my butt?" That was after we were walking through the store and he was yelling at the top of his lungs, because autistic children do not have a volume control, a cyclical hymn that he is infested with worms, worms are in his butt, and he is going to destroy all the worms in his butt. In addition to this Ode to Parasites, he asked me if I have worms, asked other people if they have worms, and then expanded the conversation to tapeworms because that seemed appropriate. If the video ends up on People of Walmart, please copy me on the link.
After you take your first dose of medication, know that in two weeks you have to take a second dose to kill anything that might have been missed. You also have to wash everything in your house that is made of material that your child might have touched with his or her bottom or his or her hands that inevitably would have touched his or her bottom. You also have to treat every single member of the house as if they also have pinworms. That means all the bedding, all the pillows, all the blankets, any rug that's washable, and all the towels need to be laundered in scalding hot water. Any toys that are stuffed most also be punished. After the 16th load of laundry, I just started putting things in large garbage bags, tied them up and stuck them in the cab of our pickup truck outside, not to be seen for another 3 weeks (time it takes pinworms to die without food). I'm sure my neighbors were wondering which person in the family I had murdered and chopped up in little pieces and put in the truck!
Then after you have everything washed, you also have to Lysol all the floors, all the door knobs... anything your child might have touched, and did I mention that pinworm eggs can go Airborne? Meaning that you can inhale them and reinfect yourself. Which is why it's so important to clean all the floors and the doors and any surface your child might have come in contact with ... AKA anything in your house. The only consolation is that dogs do not get pinworms, so I didn't have to worry about the puppies getting sick. However, I did have to give them a bath because my son touches them with his disgusting germ hands. And this delightful routine of hot water washing of everything has to continue until AFTER the second dose of medication. Yes, you read that correctly. Two weeks of hot washing everything your feral child touches, everyday, for 2 weeks. #whymommydrinks
You have to wash the clothes that they wore the day before or any towels they come in contact with in hot water every day to ensure that none of the eggs that might still be present will reinfect the child. And the most difficult thing is still keeping the damn boy's hands out of his butt even when the itching stops. Because again, for little boys, everything below that belt line is super GD gold-plated Wunderness.
My ingenious Mom hack was just rip their beds of everything except the mattress cover and they are all sleeping in sleeping bags. Sleeping bag is way easier to wash and deal with then an entire set of sheets every single day. Also we're no longer allowed to have baths because pinworms can spread in the bathwater. Who f'ing invented this horror?!?!
During one of our evening showers, my delightful little boy decided that he was going to yell at the top of his lungs, "I'm going to spread my butt cheeks and let the shower water burn the pinworms to death." Go ahead baby, that'll probably be one of the things that'll fix them.
We are now one week post apocalyptic pinworm cleaning frenzy, the bottom itching has ceased, the entire house is Lysol fresh, and we are still awaiting our next dose of medication.
Now the boys are fascinated about whether or not they will get a tapeworm and how long that tapeworm could be in their stomachs. Heaven help us if they discover Guinea worms.
So if you have wine by the box, please send it to us because we can't leave the house until we are clear of infection and Thanksgiving is coming. I'm out of alcohol.
