I'm baaaack, and needing some support!

So, I might have cancer. Non-hodgkins Lymphoma to be exact.  I’ve been having some “girl symptoms” over the past few months and so I went to the doctor thinking I might be going through early menopause (wouldn’t THAT be awesome).  She found the lump near my armpit that I never noticed or felt, but when she put me naked in front of the mirror (uncool because I hadn't shaved) and said “raise your arms”…there it was.  It looked like a bulging muscle which if I had it on both sides I would know that all those pushups were working!  Instead, it looked kinda gross and of course now that I was aware of it, it started bothering me.  That’s the crazy thing about cancer, or any other potentially deadly illness, the moment you become aware is the moment it tries to kill you.  Before, when you are ignorant, your brain isn’t running through every horrible scenario from missing your 3 year old daughter’s future wedding to how are we going to afford that trip to Everest for my bucket list?  You are happy and ignorant and the ugly mass in your arm doesn’t truly exist.  And then it does.  And everything changes.

I’m not a worry wart or a fatalist.  But even the most positive person has some fear when you are confronted with the possibility of cancer.  It’s not necessarily that I may die.  That will happen someday anyway.  It’s the possibility of being sick and bald right before that.  It’s the possibility of being too ill to participate in my life which is currently quite awesome.  I could probably even handle the baldness, because ‘Lonnie” and I have already made tentative plans (diagnosis pending) to be involved in St. Baldrick’s Day to donate our hair and get our kids to do it to.  We’ll be a whole family of baldies!!  Best family photo ever! 

I normally wouldn’t write about something like this until I had full diagnostics because I’m not a worrier and I like to be sure about things before I invoke the potential sympathy of others.  But this seems different.  There is more evidence of possible badness other than the ugly mass in my arm--which shall remain nameless at this point, but I’m leaning toward Fred--like a low white blood cell count.  I have a CT scan this afternoon and I guess all I’m writing this for is to get out my anxiety and ask for positive energy from everyone that everything is normal and to not be afraid.  I’m also starting a preliminary “name the ugly mass under my arm” contest…so get your votes in ASAP because if it is lymphoma, the mass will be in a surgical jar with formaldehyde pretty soon.  Also taking suggestions for bald head tattoos (I’m sure that’s in regulations?) because I’m sure I’ll get bored with hats.

I did not come to Wichita to die.  More to come…